I’M ALL ABOUT THAT GTL LIFE: GYM TAN LOVE ME FOR WHO I AM by Shawn Berman

(Beir Bua’s Pushcart Nominations 2021)

because i’m way too old to be changing my filthy habits at this point sweetie and i’ve tried several times to stop

calling movies

films

since i know it sounds pretentious as heck when we’re out with friends

just casually talking about stuff

and i go on a 20 minute tangent about

zack efron’s wasted potential in hsm

and how he should’ve played the bully instead of the sweet loving jock.

it’s just that i get excited when people talk to me

and making friends as an adult is super hard,

ever since i was shunned by my coworkers for accidentally bringing english muffins on bagel friday.

i quadruple swear that it’s not a hobby of mine to feed people inferior oval-shaped carbs

it was just a lil’ slip up, an honest mistake.

besides, it wasn’t that big of a deal, like that time andrew jackson’s pet parrot

had to be escorted out of jackson’s funeral because he wouldn’t stop cursing.

tbh

that bird should’ve been given a medal

for being awesome.

just my two cents.

thanks for listening. truly appreciate it.

Author bio:

Shawn Berman runs The Daily Drunk and Dream Journal. His debut chapbook, Once Upon a Blue Shell, is out this spring from Close to the Bone. Follow him on Twitter @sbb_writer.

Read the rest of issue one here.